7x1

Liverpool Stories, issue 2

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 13:11:49 GMT

I’ve just finished a placement at Merseyside BioBank. This is not the topic of this post, but it’s noteworthy enough to mention – and it was great fun. I might come back to that later. Likewise – I have moved, and now am in the middle of the city centre “where all the yuppies live” according to K., sharing with P., who’s on the couch drinking tea as I write this. He’s reading Hong-Kingston’s Woman Warrior on my recommendation; I finished Steinbeck’s Cannery Row last night on his recommendation) . I am sure the apartment will be introduced in more detail, later, too. It is overlooking Williamson Square, partially, and offers a wonderful opportunity to observe inner city life.

And Liverpool – for me – comes alive not through its architecture, but its people. An openness and acceptance of just being, just as you are, that I find unique among the cities I lived in. So this is what I’ll focus on here, a few select encounters, all recent, that stuck to memory. I’ve had these experiences of people sharing a lot about their lives to me, as a stranger, at times in the past, but it happens more often and more consistent here. I may be asking for it, of course, making a point of looking at people and making eye-contact while walking through town, but still. These being from memory by definition means they are inaccurate.

It is around 8:50 in the morning. No rain, but partially cloudy. I am on my way to work. I’m also in the middle of moving. My parents are over, visiting, primarily and officially to bring my new passport and ID card. I’d travelled to Germany late June to fill out the paperwork required to renew these, and returned using a temporary passport. I am carrying all my music instruments, planning to drop them at the apartment this afternoon. My train leaves at Edge Hill, now a tiny train stations with either an energetic and friendly employee or, in the evening, a lethargic, grumpy one, with dark rings under his eyes, on duty. It used to be one of the major stations in Liverpool, before that last hillside was cut through to the centre of the town, allowing for Lime Street Station to take over. When I enter the station building the more energetic of the two was in a discussion with a man (carrying two plastic bags) who’d just missed his train. The customer trailed off, I got my tickets, went out to the tracks, rounding the back of the station building to catch the train toward Warrington, which would drop me off at Broad Green.

Plastic-bag man eventually made his way over, asking about all the music instruments I was carrying. He thought that electric guitars have a nicer sound then acoustics. Asked if I am in a band. Then told me that he’d walked all the way from Wavertree (I didn’t ask why, there’s a train station close-by there) to Edge Hill, and just about missed his train. That he could see it depart. And that he’d wanted to kill himself by standing on the train tracks a few days ago. That he was staying with two women, but loved another, whom he was on the way to, but who had thrown him out not long ago. As far as I’d gathered they are back together. He also told me that he couldn’t sleep, and that’s the reason he wanted to die, seeking reaffirmation that it really is the best thing to just go to the doctor. He told me that they were taking his clothes at night, locking them away, so that he wouldn’t dare going outside, naked. My train arrived, eventually, and we said goodbyes. He told me to join a band. And that he’d be on the look out to see me on TV, should I become a famous musician (I never told him I am not really aiming to make music professionally, or, really, consider myself a musician. He didn’t ask.). He walked back to the bench, sitting down, waiting patiently for the next train, that would take him back to life, I hope.

This time it’s sunny. Bright light, few clouds. I don’t remember what exactly I’d come to town for, that day, but it wasn’t anything urgent. This was before the episode above. Maybe two weeks earlier, maybe more. I’ve passed the bus stands in front of St. John’s just about to walk down the steps in the middle of town, close to the BBC’s big TV screen. A woman stops me, as I am just about to pass her. Middle-aged, stepping out of a crowd of people, with a man of indiscernible age, his head shaven, obviously belonging to her, struggling to keep up. “Hi. Do you know where one can find an adult shop here?” I don’t, really. I send them to Bold Street area, suggesting they might find some there, or that at least someone might know around that area. I’d never been on the lookout for shops like these, since I’ve moved here. Now, of course, the way my mind works, weeks after, I notice how many there are, and in how many different places. There actually are a few not that far off of Bold Street.

K. needs a favour. Someone stole her passport and credit card in Athens. She never changed her address with the bank. So I am off to see if someone in that house I lived in, temporarily, for those two weeks waiting for my apartment to be ready, is in. No-one is. I am to ask the people in that student house to hold onto any letters for her. She used to live there, for a while, too. I sit down on the porch to write a note for them. A black man walks past, stops, and asks me where he has seen me before. I don’t really know, but I don’t really negate that I might have met him somewhere before, either. I am no good with faces, not quite as bad as with names, but I tend to pass people I should know, easily. He tells me he has been in jail, that one learns to remember faces whilst there. He sits down on what is the wall that used to fence in the front-garden. He tells me he’s hit hard times. He’s been released from prison not long ago. They put an electronic tag on him. He lifts his trouser’s leg to show me. People treat him badly. Distrust him. He ain’t ever asked for anything. His loneliness, his desperation of not being able to get a sure footing seeps out. Of well – being treated with disdain. The police gave him a house to live in after prison. He ain’t ever asked for anything. Six years he’s been in. He’d had a girlfriend, been faithful to her, cared for her. She is with someone else. Has been already while he was in prison. That broke his heart. A police car comes round the corner, passes by. (I’d guess they are able to track these electronic tags, right?). He watches them pass. He ain’t ever asked for anything. He tells me that he has to be home by seven, or that there’ll be problems. That he hadn’t had anything to eat today, nor a cigarette. He asks if I smoke, watching the police car all the time, noting it had slowed down, turned into a side street. I think they’ll come back to look at me, he says, they do. He says he remembers the riots in the 80s. Everyone screaming murder, including the Police. How his brother was beaten up. His brother has a scar all the way down his head. He ain’t ever asked for anything. There might be jobs on the weekend, but during the week, no-one needs him. I give him the two pounds he’s been waiting for. I get a promise that he’ll pay me back, once he has money. Tells me that he’s often walking along this street. I don’t care if he lied or not, he was genuine enough. I haven’t a lot of reasons to be in that area of town often, but who knows. He may really do remember faces well and I might meet him – somewhere – once more.

Mirrored from Confession Box.

Tourism

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 11:25:41 GMT

The camera makes everyone a tourist in other people’s reality, and eventually in one’s own.

- Susan Sontag

My tele lens died. Well – at least I have the feeling it is beyond fixing now. I managed to repair the shutter when it collapsed a while back, but this is more serious. The problem is I can’t check – I haven’t found a way to access the part of the lens that I’d need to look at. Without knowing how it is constructed I’d describe it as it having broken apart – the focus ring at the back no longer moves the front part. Rather – the two have become seperate. But this is no good description and I can’t offer a better one. But I think I got one last good use out of it. All, but one, of the lenses I have have do not have modern features like auto-focus and the like. It became a bit of an extra challenge getting things in focus as the tele was already begining to fail, badly. That is I had to press the lens backwards to get it to focus (ouch, nose), and even that only worked occasionally. I am rather happy with the results, however.

On Saturday a set of free concerts in the Docks started, focusing on African Music. Liverpool-based Zimbabwan ‘Hohodza Band‘, ‘Groupe Lolou’ from Senegal and ‘Oumou Sangaré‘ (Mali). Here some photos in no particular order; more can be found in the gallery:

Also: I have a deadline to move out of the apartment I am in, now. The next tenant needs to be out of his old apartment by the 17th. I agreed to try to find a new place by then, but – given that the landlady has another house in the same street – I could temporarily stay there until the end of August (when my contract for this apartment officially runs out) if necessary. I am fine with that. Not least given I might need my current landlady to provide a “reference” for anything I’d rent through an agency.

Mirrored from Confession Box.

Echos, Silence, Patience & Grace

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 22:23:34 GMT

And then there’s life.

Yes, that.

I restored confession-box to a different webhost awhile ago, but struggled finding ways to resume where I’d left. It’s been four months since my last post. And no matter what I do, some of what follows will be a repetition for those that follow me on facebook – which is likely the majority. I’ll only brush surfaces here. I finished my degree programme at LJMU. Except for a work-based learning assignment that I’d carried over from last year. I had wanted to complete this by June, but it didn’t quite work out. I hope to have a place settled by the end of next week though – and this time things are more definite. My brother was over for a while in May, I was back home for a week end June/begining July. I moved at the end of June. Which means I have – for now – my own appartment, while only paying slightly more than I used to, before, for a sinle room.

Yes, all the houses surrounding it are boarded up, the one to the left obviously having been on fire once. Both neighbouring houses are occupied by birds and no-one else. And yes, it is in Kensington, though barely, and in one of the nicer parts. I tried finding something perfect before. And still only signed a contract for two months … but then. Ever since I left Sweden I’d wanted a place for myself again, only not being able to afford one. I have the option to extend the contract and well – maybe I should. The two rooms used to be rented out as two bedsits, so the appartment has two kitchens. The kind of slightly odd thing befitting me. Oh and K. lives upstairs from here.

And there’s things happening, have happened, will happen. Like. Last Monday: I extended my family.

Family (extended)

I saw it in a second hand shop for £79, and given the accoustic guitar I have is a Höhner, whose sound I love, I was more than just interested. Reading the only reviews available on the web I went for it. There’s not a lot of info around – all I know it’s been built in Korea sometime between 1988 and 1992. I tried it in the tiny store of Smithdown road that mostly sells second hand records from the mid 90s. They produced a small amp from somewhere – so I know it works – but I still need to get my own amplifier. I’ve put J. on the case, given she’s involved with the local musician scene. I have an amp back home at my parents, with my other e-guitar, but that’s a long way away.

Walking out of the shop, guitar on my back in it’s carrying case, I took a trip to town, buying little necessities for my new home, and then to FACT when it started raining, for a tea, and out again over to chinatown, meandering through one of the supermarkets. I am not there often enough. It’s a sensory journey to another place. Upon leaving what was a drizzel before had turned into movie rain. Waiting in the entrance. Joined by a middle-aged Chinese, who barely spoke English, exchanging one-word sentences now and then, waiting, waiting, echos, silence, patience. Grace? One of the supermarket employees stepped out eventually telling us – first in Chinese, then in English, that they do sell umbrellas for a pound. I’d been walking through the store before, but didn’t spot them. Chinese Man bought two. I got one, but needed to pay with card – to the disdain of the store owner. Back out. The rain had intensified, coming in sideways with the wind. And we both waited. An Englishman stepped out, in suit and tie, turns around with a smile and walks into the inferno. I’d have to. I’d not have bothered getting an umbrella either, except for the guitar travelling with me.

Of course I was over cautious, as was clear once I’d actually made my way to the train station and back home. I own a green and yellow umbrella with a Tsingtao logo now. And I am somewhat sure they were meant to be promotional items rather than for sale.

Or Thursday night. When S. and me spent an evening in St. Lukes, the Bombed-Out Church, for “Ghost Stories: A Night Opera” (samples behind link), starting at sunset, ending two hours later. It rained. And, see above, the church has no roof. They sold plastic overcoats. Which meant close to 240 people were sitting in the rain in what looked like fashion inspired by Twelve Monkeys, listening to classic-style guitar music, set to a 2 hour video-installation, occasionally intersped by the accompaning opera singer “wailing” (as S. put it). That is – the guitar player was good, the singer likely too, but her non-verbal style vocal accompany left her with little to do. Most of the audience didn’t last all the way through.

Onward.

Mirrored from Confession Box.

Days in the life of C.

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 13:54:16 GMT

This is the tumbleweed equivalent of a blog post. Random movement of rather banal thoughts as the wind blows. I’ve finished reading George Perec’s Espèces d’espaces¹ this last week. Which is an out of odds way to start this post because, actually, the big event was the last large Outdoor Education practical: Rock climbing in Wales.

I’ve seconded (more) and lead (less) a few climbs during these three days - and it worked well, at first: No trace of anxieties that hindered me on previous outings and generally just having a good time. I know the basics well enough, by now, can place (protective) gear, construct anchors/belays … even if it’s a little slow and clumsy at times. I still feel that I want to do more of this, that being out there, having those experiences is … well what I search for in life. That by and large Outdoor activities are my thing. I was having fun. But then.

Third day was a visit to Holyhead mountain. This is a sea-cliff like mountain close to the ocean, that requires one to walk up a steep scree slope to the base of the rock face where the climbing routes begin. It looks a little like a minutre version of Ayer’s Rock in as much as it rises out of flat ground surrounding it, quite suddenly. And then … hello darkness my old friend²: Anxiety. Started up on the scree slope where my imagination ran away with me. It wasn’t any more dangerous or difficult or complicated than ground I’ve covered in the past. Even the routes ahead weren’t more difficult than what I’d done the days before, just more exposed. Being afraid of the scree under my feet suddenly slipping away, or me slipping not finding the ground. Possible, yes, probable not very. And even if: Heather with it’s strong roots covering the ground, loads of bolders, things to grab in case. Anxiety persisted. I didn’t climb that day. Needed to tie myself in just to belay at the ground of the climb. And (remember this is part of the assessment days) the suggestion by Duncan (the lecturer with the small group of four that day) that I descend back to a ledge and call it a day.

And - as so often that coldness that comes with that, a chill down to the bones, where no amount of sunlight is warm enough. But then. It was a glorious day and it is an amazing place. I rested on that ledge, high enough to see the ocean curve on the horizon, no cloud, blue sky (a first hint of tanned skin, now days later). I built a minature stone circle on that ledge that was eventually crushed by a rope from the sky. I’d wished I’d packed my camera, which I had considered while packing, but didn’t in the end.

It was in that moment’s flight between the picture and the canvas that the demons set on her who often brought her to the verge of tears and made this passage from conception to work as dreadful as any down a dark passage for a child. Such she often felt herself - struggling against terrific odds to maintain her courage; to say: “But this is what I see; this is what I see,” [...] “It suddenly get’s cold. The sun seems to give less heat,” she said, looking about her, for it was bright enough, the grass still a soft dreep green, the house starred in its greenery with purple passion flowers, and rooks dropping cool cries from the high blue.”
-Virginia Woolf, To the Lighthouse

Foghorns in the distance, as mist was over the ocean and this is a shipping lane, including those high-speed ferries crossing from Ireland to Wales and England. There were dolphins playing out in the ocean. And later in the day six sea-kayaks, quite likely other OEE students as they were supposed to be out there that day. There are sea cliffs in that area, which rank among the most scenic but also most difficult climbs in the UK - as the tide comes in you can’t escape other than climbing all the way. These cliffs are closed for climbers during the summer as they are the nesting place of some 10.000 birds or so. And then, there’s what I imagine Virginia Woolf’s Lighthouse to look like. I doesn’t require a boat - there’s a bridge, but still:

If she finished it tonight, if they did go to the Lighthouse after all, it was to be given to the Lighthouse keeper for his little boy, who was threatened with a tuberculous hip; together with a pile of old magazines, and some tobacco, indeed, whatever she could find lying about, not really wanted, but only littering the room, to give those poor fellows, who must be bored to death sitting all day with nothing to do but polish the lamp and trim the wick and rake about on their scrap of garden, something to amuse them. For how would you like to be shut up for a whole month at a time, and possibly more in stormy weather, upon a rock the size of a tennis lawn? she would ask [...]
-Virginia Woolf, To the Lighthouse

Mind you - it is a beautiful place, but that’s the first description of the lighthouse I came across browsing the pages. I will have to use other’s photos instead of mine for illustration, below³. I’ve scrapped just below the passing mark for the assessment (35%) based on my climbing the first two days. It’s only part of the module mark and I can compensate that. But the point is … as I said in the review discussion later, what I need is people to go climbing with, but it’s so hard to find people that I don’t hold back, on those days I can’t, but that choose to climb to a level that’s challenging as well. I hope it’ll fix itself some day.

South Stack Lighthouse

South Stack Lighthouse & Sea Cliffs

Holyhead Mountain

And that was the last big field trip with the course I’ll be part of. No-one, unlike those other days, felt like returning home. We usually just focused on going back quickly, everyone yearning for their home after a week or so out. No … it was a holiday like feeling these days, for everyone, I think. I’ll miss them days.

in translation - Species of Spaces and Other Pieces [↩]
I was nicknamed “the sound of silence” back in high school. [↩]
Click on them to go to the source pages [↩]

Mirrored from Confession Box.

Purchase the spirit.

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 02:39:20 GMT

I finished my dissertation as should be clear by now. And then I stopped. I have work todo, but just drift through days. Saying hello to sunshine, watching it pass by, wishing it stayed that little longer. The next deadline is Thursday. I’ve done nada.¹

I don’t know. I am not motivated - the topic feels superflous. I know the general answers, but will have to fill it out with details and find actual examples & references. The usual scientific drag. And I am still listening to the eels. But I also want to finally work through my backlog of photos. I haven’t really shared any I took in Liverpool these last two and a half years with anyone. I want to pick up my writing again. It’s just … not quite there yet, and I need my blanket more often.

Thursday: A fieldtrip to a waste water plant close-by. As ever so often I am surprised by the contrast between studying Outdoor Education and the leather-seated way too posh coaches we are put in at times. We were booked in for an hour long tour, but ended up spending two hours there.

Saturday: A visit to the tate. This was with Headspace but only K. turned up. Some of William Blake’s paintings and drawings on display. As with anything about him these are focused on christian motives, exploring spirituality and - no matter what you think about these topics - very well crafted. Particularly the way background and foreground work together, his obvious keen sense of human faces and expressions. My favourites, however, are an incredible goofy Cerberus and that fascinating creature in The Six-Footed Serpent Attacking Agnolo Brunelleschi².

Illustrations by William Blake

Then - checking if the Open Eye Gallery was open, it wasn’t, on to the Egg Cafe, discussing Richard Dawkins, the human need for spirituality, religious festivities and their impact and the like. We both agree that spirituality is just something that is very human - while disagreeing with the ideas of organized religion. That is - yes I agree with Dawkins, but don’t see the role of religion as absolutist negative across the board.

Walking back home on my own I passed The Olive Tree, one of those general esoteric and spirituality shops that smell of holyness and that everyone (including employees) whispers in. I walked in because they had Moroccan cooking books on sale (and picked one up eventually). A good ethnic cooking book is more than just recipies but also an exploration of a different country - and this one is a particularly nice example. I’d walked in wearing my headphones, smiled briefly at the person on duty, and turned them off just in the (unlikely) case they might leak sound and upset. Not eels. Artery³ Now … if I’d only lose my anxieties about cooking in shared housing. I dislike having people watch, especially when trying new things. Which means I stick to simple, quick and what I know.

That is - I’ve looked for some articles yesterday night. Past midnight. [↩]
Image slightly enlarged. And blurry, thus [↩]
Bulgarian-Dutch Balkan Underground Folk Metal. Try Rubber Moon, Take it from me, Control and Electricity for the whole width of their sound and please (mostly) ignore the lyrics. [↩]

Mirrored from Confession Box.

I’m always so unsure.

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 23:11:45 GMT

I handed in my dissertation

And yeah, there was something I wanted to say.

...

Never mind.

Mirrored from Confession Box.

The Landrover! It goes vroom, vroom!

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 02:03:50 GMT

I am back home after having spent 11 of the last 13 days out in the mountains somewhere: The First six days on my Mountain Leader Training at Glamara Centre in the Lake District (Borrowdale) - for a bargain fee of £300 including food and board. We were the first group to go through the ML training there and happened to be able to get it at a reduced price thus. No internet¹, no mobile phone coverage - but a Michelin Chef and three course meals every evening.

Also - up & down mountains loads, micro & night navigation, river crossings, emergency procedures, steep ground², rope work, an overnight camping trip to Sprinkling Tarn (frozen at the time), pointless evening lectures, and many, many stories about Landrovers from my room mate³. Apart from that - my evenings filled with working on my dissertation. I ended up bringing three backpacks to carry all books.

Back home and off to Ambleside with the three that participate in my Adventure Therapy research/dissertation the day after. It was a good day, I think, and I felt - at the time - that it was quite successful. I’d left late though, we missed the first train, but had wonderful weather once there.

I spent a day at home, last Sunday. Then off to Wales for “Mountain Experience Days and Assessment” through uni. The last time to stay at Charmoix Mountain Centre with the course. None of the University Lectures actually could be present, leaving those students that already have gained Mountain Leader Assessed (or more) status to run these days (as members of staff).

Two of the LJMU students were going for their Walking Group Leader assessment, however, and I joined that group (of five total) under Phil George’s supervision. Marshlands. Welsh wild horses (one dead). More micro navigation. The remnants of local shooting practice (wooden planks, aluminium cans and assorted other material partially pullverized by bullet holes) … and more Landrover stories⁴. I am glad to have had the chance to meet Phil again before the end of the course - he remembered me from back in year one. Phil - and his identical twin Al [suffering from cancer] - is one of the legends of English Mountaineering. Now in their fifties the two left the UK for Italy aged 16, became Alpine Mountain Guides by 21 and completed many first ascends of routes in the UK.

Mostly though - he is one of these awesome personalities that are rare to come by. Highly intelligent, yet humble, full of stories, little facts and knowledge - but always keen to get to know more about the world and the people around him.

Unless you paid a fee. [↩]
Still my main problem - I am less anxious than I used to be though [↩]
One of the few topics that really excite him [↩]
He didn’t like the pink one we ran into. [↩]

Mirrored from Confession Box.

Burn moussaka, burn.

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 00:04:27 GMT

I’ve worked on integrating the zenphoto gallery into wordpress this past weekend. It works. Almost. The weird thing - it displays alright through opera installed on my computer - but not through any other browser, including loading it with IE from my computer. The problem: for whatever reason the .css file isn’t applied. Gnh. I’ve asked for help on the zenphoto forum now.

Elsewhere …

I’ve received an extension on my dissertation until March 2nd. It’ll still be tight to finish in time - it’s quite hard to co-ordinate four different people all on a different full-time course. And … well - as dissertations probably always go - it all seems incredibly mundane and not particularly useful while working on it. I’ve also got a transcript of my grades through the mail. It makes for a somewhat interesting read. My mean marks for level one and two where both at around 55%. Level 3 (up to the end of last term) is on a 71% level so far. Given it counts 3/4 for the final mark … I increased my degree classification to 67.1%. I.e. I am on a good path with room for growth. I am not that sure I can keep this up though - the whole dissertation mess up will mean I’ll be pressed for time with other assignments coming up in March. And I’ll not score high on the practicals, as in any of the previous years. Hm … .

I am off to the Lake District from this Saturday on for my Mountain Leadership Training (private arrangment, not part of Uni course), then off for a three day assessment on my Mountaineering skills with uni. Which means I’ll have to work on my dissertation in the evenings.

And meanwhile …

I’ve attended a staff training for my Student Learning Mentor post - “Magic Spelling” - which is basically a NLP approach to assist people in memorizing correct spellings of words. The fun bit … you’ll have to do a bit of “calibrating” by firing of questions and observing the person(s) eye movement for some clues on how their brain works. It’s not unlike the Voigt-Kampff test in Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep / Blade Runner.

Also … I love The eels.. The world needs more of them.

there’s a world outside
and i know ’cause i’ve heard talk
in my sweetest dream
i would go out for a walk

but i don’t think i’m ready yet
i’m not feeling up to it now
just not that steady yet
and i don’t need you telling me how

there’s some happiness
and my stone face cracks again
maybe sometime sooner or later

but i don’t think i’m ready yet
i’m not feeling up to it now
just not that steady yet
and i don’t need you telling me how

so if i leave my room
don’t you tell me to lighten up
maybe sometime sooner or later

but i don’t think i’m ready yet
i’m not feeling up to it now
just not that steady yet
and i don’t need you telling me how

Mirrored from Confession Box.

Liverpool Stories

Sat, 31 Jan 2009 02:31:06 GMT

Liverpool Stories really should be an ongoing theme - and since a good while already. There are too many little occurances that just stand out and make me like this city. That define it as a home, a little. Note, of course, that there’s a lot that’s wrong with Lpool, as well … but complaining and being negative is way too much in fashion, so these will only comment on the city’s charm.

I already forgot many of those that I wanted to note down somewhere - no blog nearby, no time, whatever. Some stuck to mind though … and given I spend a good bit of time on busses, that’s the main focus right now.

#1: Not uncommon is the on the job chat. Not with a passenger, but a friend that happens to pass. The bus coming to a sharp stop, and a 10 minute discussion between driver and passer-by through the open door, while the passengers stoicly wait. No-one’s complained yet.

#2: Or that busdriver that reads a book while working … a few lines every red light (and a sip of tea). He’s bearded, wears glasses. Enjoys thrillers.

#3: The magic all day ticket that passes from passenger to passenger. Day-passes are valid an unlimited amount until midnight of the day of purchase, and, if you do more than three bus trips, cheaper than individual tickets. So frequently people just pass them on once they are done, and a single ticket transports many, many different people as it (I’d guess) is passed on from person to person, wherever the last person using it alights. I just got one of these (it was bought at 10:04 in the morning, it reached me by 21:03) today. From a complete stranger I’ll never meet again, as usual.

#4: I’ve mentioned pedestrian area musicians before. Nothing says Liverpool as the drummer and guitarist playing decently “hard” metal at a central spot of the shopping area. During christmas shopping time, with candy-cotton music oozing out of anything even remotely commercial. In the middle of a stressed out over-crowded shopping frenzy. Plus - they drew an audience!

#5:

Midnight, mid-January

——————————————————————————————————

I am late with my dissertation. So late, in fact that I won’t make the deadline. I am in the middle of crunching out interviews and transcribing, still. I am getting somewhere, though … and there are nice results up to this point. I’ll meet my tutor Monday. Let’s see what happens.

But because of that all leisure activities are off. I missed a Merchant of Venice performance by Propeller (an all male Shakespeare company) that I’d bought a ticket for (I’ve been told it was great, too ) - and skipped today’s Headsound session at FACT, too.

Mirrored from Confession Box.

Lauschgift.

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 02:13:13 GMT

It is 01:30 in the morning, dear imaginary reader, and as the time suggests I should be asleep. Especially given that I have to be back at university early, tomorrow. I need to return the digital voice recorder I borrowed for the first group interview for my dissertation. As things turned out it only lasted half an hour not the planned two hours, and only included two of the three volunteers.I’ll try to do a separate interview soon.

And I need to hand in the “open” Mountaineering paper that ate away my time these last few days. And of course I want to yield to my own self-promise of using this journal to get some routine in my life. An entry a day or every other. The Problem: these assignments always take on a life of their own and I end up leaving home at eight in the morning and only return back home a few minutes to midnight.

I am tired of this.

Down the river, saw you drown.

But what keeps me awake now are these:

Sennheiser HD 280 pro

Wanted good headphones since a while - as I have been using the cheap library ones to get rid of of the noisy atmosphere. And well, working on soundrecordings at FACT gave me a lot of time with headphones of decent quality on. These don’t look nice. But that’s fine. They grip tight. The first hour was actually painful. Now that they made friends with my head and lost their initial factory inflexibility …… they be wonderful and comfortable. And they keep the noise out. Meaning lower volume required to listen (around -32 db is good).

Did you know that there’s a small voice track mixed into Propellerhead’s History Repeating? “Can you hear this?”

You know it really is amazing.

I’ve finished the first mandatory part of the World-Of-Work twiddlefaddlemuck at uni. Let’s say I am carefully optimistic that some parts of that may actually prove useful. However. Myers-Briggs. Psychometric Analytics! Onehundredeleven rolleyes.

We could sing the Pope to sleep
(…)
would he take up too much room?
would he hog the blankets, too?

Good night.

Here’s a list of side effects
Practice tested
Covering every malice angle
For example you will sleep forever

Mirrored from Confession Box.

2.246.600 Frames a day (*)

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 00:28:07 GMT

Confession-box is now finally back up and reasonably stable. The problem was name server related - first a necessary change, then the name servers not really registering it, resulting in a 50/50 chance to reach the site. I’ve re-worked the main page the last few days, now I only need to bridge zenphoto into wordpress proper. I’ve also started to upload photos to that gallery and will slowly add to them. There’s a lot of photos I’ve taken over the last three years or so, that need editing and sorting, that I haven’t really shared with anyone. I also hope to manage to write more frequently again, now that the technical side of things is sorted. A meagre 9 posts over almost a year that I own the domain now isn’t that great showing :).

One reason is that I just haven’t managed to keep routines much, something I want to work on. My course, given the frequent times we are away, has an ever changing time table adding to that. Framing my day by writing more and making the time for it seems sensible.

The Headsound group has started working on our next project - a stop motion animation - this last Friday. I will likely experiment some on my own, using my digital camera and will post results here, once in a while. We were discussing stop motion in general and watching some examples as a starting point for discussing where we want to go. I’ve fallen for Jan Švankmajer’s Stop Motion Animation: The Flat (split in two parts), Food and Dimensions of Dialogue, for example:

Otherwise - life just moves along. I am working on my dissertation, a short paper on behaviour in Mountain terrain and signed up for a Mountain Leader Trainer Course mid February. I’ve also been asked to rework one of the seminars I held last term as a journal article. For now that is on hold - I need to get the rest of my workload out of the way first. This is the interesting part. I have only three weeks left for my Dissertation and basically no data as of now. What is fascinating is that I am not panicking about that. I just don’t. And it is, of course, entirely possible to get that data through interviews and transcriptions within that timeframe as I have managed to write pretty much everything else. This is, however, an immense difference to just about half a year ago, when I panicked about pretty much any task at hand. I have no idea what brought that change along. I am also in contact with Graduate Development hoping to find a bit of a lending hand on where to go from here, working toward finding a job by the end of this term.

What is clear is - I will stay in Liverpool for at least another two years if I can, hoping to raise the money for the M.A. in creative writing I deferred a year and a half ago. I guess also that - in many ways - I am actually for the first time in my life actually “bonding” with a place I live in, in the sense of having a life outside the singular reason (study) I moved there for. I am not sure Liverpool is my dream location - but in the end, any place will do.

(*)If you operate on PAL.

Mirrored from Confession Box.

Josh.

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 00:18:53 GMT

Joshua had to be put to rest early last week after discovering that he’d developed cancer (that had spread from liver to lungs). This is the first time I mention him here, mainly because I posted so little over the last year; he’d become a quite important part of my life for the short time I’d known him. I’d spent New Year over at Alex place, as my landlady finally got someone to rewire the house and fix electricity; there was no power here for a few days. Add to this that my dissertation refused to be written and gave me a hard time - I needed to get away from sitting at home alone. He’d been part of the audio recordings I did as part of the Headsound project at FACT - providing “dog noises” mixed in, here and there.

Josh had been sick for a while, unable to keep food down, losing weight. We ended up staying in on New Year’s eve to not risk exposing him to the freezing conditions and brought him to the vet the day after. They thought it was just a virus, initially. So this is for a dog that kept his playful nature even when terminally ill. That - as most animals - just been there and kept others well. Those last few nights he swapped between Alex’ and the guest room I was using, sleeping on the footend of our beds - a few hours here, then there.

I am glad I had the privilege of having him in my life and be allowed to share some time.

Mirrored from Confession Box.

The God Illusion

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 02:55:02 GMT

Please excuse the title (derived from The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins) of this post. It is a bit cheesy, but the most concise summary/criticism (IF you keep the reference above in mind) of the movie Nines I could come up with. I had picked it up a while ago, for a few pounds, and eventually watched it tonight.

I’ve frequently said that good horror is not about bloodshed, or shock effect, but that good horror suggests a deeper kind of scare – an intellectual one, a question about our humanity, or our society, or about who we are. If we really are as good, or moral, or simply in control of our life as we believe. Where our reality is questioned. Where you end up feeling both alone, but not entirely sure if you can even trust yourself and your own motivations. This, by the way, does not just go for movies – but for anything “horror”. This movie is a good example illustrating what I mean. But, sadly, not because it tries to be a horror movie (quite the contrary), but because of how incredibly creepy the point it makes is, when looking at it from “a manufacturing consent” or (to go back to Dawkins) “religion as a mass delusion” perspective.

Before I go on: That is not meant to say that the movie is bad. In contrast – it is very well crafted, filmed and presented, and certainly has a quite intelligent script. As a movie – disregarding what it attempts to say – it is entertaining and interesting. The problem: Its less and less subtle undertones of Christian philosophy. And from here on there be spoilers.

The movie tells three separate stories that overlap, all three using the same actors and it certainly has quite surreal elements as the realities of each three different scenarios overlap. The idea (which is quite startling given how the movie ends) is that god (or a god like being) is an addict, lost in its own creation. Impersonating humans living within it through avatars, playing and participating in the lives of its creation. The last of the three versions of the story presents the god like being as impersonating a game designer within the reality it (not as a game, but as a world designer) created. The first “incarnation” of the character presents it as an actor, close to a mental breakdown, addicted to drugs and alcohol, suffering from delusions. The second (there’s the trend) as a writer/director, who – again – loses control of reality and is being accused of wanting to manipulate people and control people outside the realities he (the director, not the god being using it as an avatar) creates, mistreating them in the process. There’s a suggestion of comparing this god like being to the players of everquest (referenced as crackquest in the movie) or world of warcraft (the boyfriend as an orc reference). Lost in this process of the game / world / it created, god just missed the last 4000 years, as it is informed – and here is one of the many places where the movie is inconsistent, as explained later – by an angel, or another god like being, that tries to bring “god” back to the real reality of it as a deity. The line goes “we missed you”.

All this would offer a lot of questions about what “god” is. About it’s morality. As mentioned it (god) is not obviously portrayed as a “good” or a “sane” being. The movie has the chance to ask somewhere interesting questions and remain on a purely and generally philosophical level about religion. And there are these inconsistencies (god is not a 10, it’s a 9, not quite perfect; there’s more than one of them) that seem to carry a somewhat neutral and not specifically Christian idea of “deity”.

But it doesn’t. Instead, the very last scene of the movie undoes all the grittiness and moral ambiguity (there’s less and less of it as the movie progresses) of all that came before. God’s back home, it leaving it’s world did not destroy it, and the way it returns to it’s “rightful” place … it leaves a “perfect” world behind (for the characters involved).

And then there’s of course references to the trinity, gods, mortals and satan, the obvious 4,000 years. This is not about the idea of god, but very specific. The problem: It is not clear whether that is the intended message of the movie. There are too many inconsistencies to say “this is christian propaganda”. Rather, it’s just very likely that someone wrote a “great script”, but the christian message sub-consciously wrote itself in.

That is what turns the movie into horror. The notion that the idea of god – one of the very points of Dawkins – is being indoctrinated into and engrained within members of society from a very young age, to a level that this one religious biased perspective even escapes their conscious knowledge. And, in the case of the movie, it probably doesn’t reach the level of awareness (and the comments on the movie on IMDB suggest this) of most viewers either. It doesn’t need to explain it’s Christian overtones – they are part of the “common sense” and agreed upon conventions. It is horror because, if you perceive it on this level, it will force you to ask about your own perspective, your own reality, your own biases. Those you’ll never be able to quite grasp. That you’ll never be able to be quite certain about. Because you can only filter what you are aware of consciously.

Interestingly – there’s a discussion of exactly this subject and notion about the film on IMDB’s forums. It’s a nice read as (as one participant observes) it happens to pan out between a strong atheist, a (less forceful) ‘atheist’ and a believer.

My vote on the movie isn’t complete yet. If generating debate is a good thing, it can (see above) work. More likely though – I’ll have a copy to give away soon.

And than – there’s that question about myself. I know and have noticed Christian elements appear in my stories. Given the cultural reference of the Bible where I was born and the way fictional writing at times is not a conscious process, this is probably not surprising. I haven’t finished the two stories I am particularly referring to, mind you, and these elements exist within the fictional world created with out really defining their meaning for the characters or the stories itself. It is not a problem that these elements exist. But the question of what they do to the story, what they say, and if they just reinforce and repeat the “consent” or “meaning” these symbols have within a Christian based society need to be brought into my conscious if I ever attempt to finish writing these stories.

In other (and brief) news … I haven’t been well these last weeks. Feeling SI triggerish. Overwhelmed with the world, not being able to do as much as I want, trouble getting up in the morning and needing a lot of effort to push all this away before I can even attempt to work on what I need to (which doesn’t work well, due to lack of concentration). I have to do a critical analysis of and 20 minute presentation on a number of international documents (Stockholm Conference, Belgrade Charter, Tbilisi Document, Agenda 21 [that’s a maybe] and the recently published Earth Charter). This was meant to be group work, but given I still don’t really know anyone on my course – I ended up working on my own.

And there, in my room, no-one to talk to, it all turned into that big unsolvable mess, giving me that feeling of – well – not getting anywhere I want to, in my life, doing things I don’t want or feel are “necessary” for my further development. Until I did, finally, text Alex and just talk it all over, this afternoon.

As always – the world in our heads seems to be so much more unreal and bigger then when one starts to cut it down. Thanks Alex.

Ain’t no thing like here.

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 01:17:38 GMT

I’ve just finished watching No Country for Old Men and I now miss hearing William’s voice. I am glad for the movie, it’s been a long while coming. That is, and what I mean is, I’d hoped for the Coen Brothers to go back to where they started from. And actually – they’ve probably surpassed some of their early work now, with this one.

It’s the type of movie that makes you look at the titles of the e-mails caught in your spam mail filter and actually almost find some profound meaning in them, only that it just about escapes you around the next corner. (There’s profanity here, but that comes with the territory.)

Betreff: ID MSG:74452 You have new mail from Olga

Betreff: V|a_gr-a 100mg x 10 pills = $ 59.95

Betreff: Prices cant be lower

Betreff: Hot blonde gives blowjob and swallow some sperm

Betreff: Available for you period

Betreff: Transaction failed

Betreff: RE: Le logiciel populaire, localise pour le franca...

Betreff: eliminate credit card debt

Betreff: Thanks for reading

I remember there’s been one spam mail message that I’d kept around for a while. It was one of those automated ones that had pulled out lines from random webpages to mask itself and trick some of the spam filters out there. What amazed was that it was poetry. But I’ve deleted it a good while back, so no quote here.

Today (my old rule of the day not being over before I go to bed still is valid; I am a couple days younger then my passport says) was a day that somewhat escapes words. It is that feeling I struggle with – of not quite feeling things are real, where I watch myself, where I don’t quite feel I fill my body. Where I am not really “me”. But I’ll start with yesterday.

I’ve discussed my dissertation with my personal tutor – and chances are it will turn towards a critical theory approach; not a prescriptive intervention, not me working as a researcher but a participant in a collaborative research project on Adventure Therapy. Where the group decides what Adventure Therapy is (which, naturally, implies a critical perspective on therapy forms that do exist). Where the group forms the methodology. The problem: I am anxious about pushing this forward. I know I need to, as I need to start producing data. But yes … when trying to formulate all this in words (spoken) it goes down the “it’s all too ridiculous line”. Another day.

Back home – late night – the main fuse went off. It’s only Anne and me here right now, this being reading week, and everyone else (including Gopi. back to India, to attend a relative’s marriage) gone. Anne was already fretting about having to finish an essay on rhododendron and with the power off, being forced to call it quits, was getting wound up about the whole situation. Thing is … the wiring in this house is messed up, somehow, majorly. We don’t have lights on the ground floor (and didn’t have any on the first floor, either, for some time). They’ve been here, trying to fix this frequently, it might work for a while, then some fuse refuses to cooperate. It’s never been the mains, so far, however. We tried getting power back on for a while but gave up eventually and used candles (and early bed time for each soon after).

Today … well, one of the amateur builders (they all seem best buddies with our landlady’s agent) came in, switched the fuse back on, and it stayed in. I had to leave, I don’t know if he actually called an electrician.

But also, today, was a day where I couldn't communicate (meeting Silé, not being able to express myself well). We both walked over to the Liverpool Mental Health Consortium’s general meeting – one of those conferences that are important but largely pass you by. It might become more meaningful a year down the road, once having more of an insight what the Consortium is actually up to.

Once back home … I needed to just crash down. One of the weirdest realisations really is that you feel you are just a brain stuck in a hard skull, it’s all very cramped, physically feeling how claustrophobic it all is. And yes, that feeling of … a distinct lack of reality as indicated in the first paragraph.

The weird thing is – it’s always books or movies or fiction in general that grounds me. That reaches me in a more real way than reality – my reality, my existence, my being, my being a physical form, me existing in a space, in a sense, in well “here” this “place” – does.

I am still trying to figure out how not being me feels like. If there’s common ground between what me individual feels like and what them (other individuals) being them feels like. I guess that distinct thing I am trying to express here is not a common feeling – but it’s not dissociative, not quite (or not even close) – it’s just a keen sense of observing oneself and how unreal and bizarre the way live just always winds and moves forward is. It’s also based on an incredible amount of confusion.

But well. It’s time to end this day.

I’m working on it.

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 18:05:55 GMT

I am back to posting to this lj account directly as confession-box.org is down. Sadly I don’t know when – and if – this will be fixed. I took a chance by using a new webhost and one of these promotional offers. Now my webpage has been deactivated, I don’t know why, and none of the e-mails I sent them resulted in any response. Also – their webpage hasn’t been updated in a while, the forum is broken and the company generally doesn’t look too healthy. There’s been a post in the support system last Friday though – so maybe there’s some hope. If not … I will have to switch webhosts which is always annoying and loads of work

I do need to take up blogging again though – or just keeping a journal in general. As all the time before journaling helps with keeping track of what I do, reminding myself that I am actually moving forward and helps sorting my thoughts. Sadly … that’s quite important just for my day

to day functioning, once more. (And for what it’s worth this made me give a trial run to Windows Live Writer which seems to be a quite nice tool so far.)

That is – while I am doing better than a year ago things are still sluggish, I struggle to keep up my motivation and (seasonal related?) I am certainly less able to do some of the things I have to or should do. For example, I tried joining Batala, a local drumming band (see photo / video). Panic attack during the first band practice killed that off – I haven’t been back since. Which is of course the worst way to deal with this, but is mostly due to having a lot of other things going on in my life at the time. Now that those are out of the way I probably should be looking at trying again. Or, well, focus on making it to one of the meetings of the local Mountaineering club (that I joined last June, but never participated in). Or just working on that slightly underlying panic that is just there in the background most of the days, hiding in my room at times, despite living with much more likeable people then last year. I can’t place this anxiety. It’s just there at times and usually in the mornings. I guess this might be a backlash from last years shared housing or similar.

Here’s a quick rundown of this years crew (as names will likely appear in posts later on):

Anne, German, just moved to Liverpool. One of those that fell through the German education system and has been "selected out". She doesn't have the qualifications to go to uni in Germany. Will study Environmental Sciences. Lived in Mozambique and Portugal (and speaks some Portuguese). Connor - Irish ... seems to be a typical student, really - studies economy & politics, but hardly ever seems to be around, or just in background if he is. Well except when you can hear him sing Irish folk songs. Karina - Russian born doctorate (medicine) student, whose family moved to Israel when quite young and eventually to England. She talks loads. And I mean loads loads. Alex (more later) happens to be her friend as well and - despite being good friends with her - "can't deal with more than half an hour Karina". Finally there's Gopi from India who only moved in a couple weeks ago.

Despite all this … . Headspace is continuing to move forward, I’ve done a number presentations to a variety of people about it, been on the radio, whatever. Chances are that some members of the National Institute for Adult Continuing Learning (NIACE) will knock on the NUS door and suggest groups like Headspace to be established at student unions nation wide. I am trying to link Headspace in with other university services like the Graduate Development Programme. There’s also a chance that a research sub-group will form, looking at student mental health, with the aim to film a documentary, eventually. I just finished working on an Audio Installation with some of the FACT artists in residence that will get an exhibition sometime in December (and will likely work on a video installation next) so I am using connections I’ve built on that end.

Here are two recordings that did not make it into my soundpiece, but that I was quite happy with:

#1 – Walking past a Dylan cover singer in the city centre and keeping recording while passing an African musician … it’s the transition effect I aimed for. *Click*

#2 – One of these odd things just happening. Guitar player in city centre standing next to a small drum kit, his colleague somewhere else. A man (white hair/semi-bald, a cigar in his mouth) walks up, talks to the one on guitar for a while, sits down and starts playing, eventually says thank you and walks off again. It takes a while to get going. *Click*

Yellow Grey Black, 1948 (by Jackson Pollock)

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 17:29:29 GMT

In between the silence: Finding a new house, but - despite that - ending up semi-homeless given that it wasn’t ready by the date it was supposed to be. Moving in with Alex (part of Headspace) in her new house and having to stay there longer and longer as new house (installing new boiler, fixing resulting leaks, painting etc.) just doesn’t get completed.

Eventually moving in new home despite lights not working, house still smelling of paint, the day before my parents arrive for a visit. Leaving for Ireland (Dublin and surroundings) with parents a couple days later. I still haven’t moved all my things (more than a month after moving in) from Alex house, given I don’t have a car.

The lights on the ground floor still don’t work. Those on the upper (my floor) do since this morning. The fuse just blows anytime one tries to turn on the lights downstairs. The electrician that was meant to come by and fix this had a death in his family and then went on holidays - at least that is the official version. Next week is the promise, but it has been that since weeks already.

Also, in that silence: Josh (Alex’ Dog), Headspace, the Arabic Arts Festival, Mental Health related Conferences that seem pointless and not going anywhere (big money in little Liverpool during the Capital of Culture year though), the Brouhaha Festival, beginning to plan a trip through Sweden, Norway, Finland, Russia, Letland, Lithuania, Estland, Poland, Germany and Belgium next year. There’ll be photos of some of these, eventually, but I still haven’t managed to complete the theme for the gallery and make it work the way I want to.

I also pretty much have secured a placement at Losehill Hall in the Pennines, which I’ll be able to do and complete after the winter term in 2009, but before graduation. Also: This weekend until Monday - Snowdon with Phil and Alex, returning late on Sunday staying over at Alex’ until Monday afternoon - and, finally, having Internet access installed at my new house yesterday evening.

There’ll be more regular postings here from now on, again.

Originally published at Confession Box. You can comment here or there.

The cat at the window

Fri, 30 May 2008 16:41:36 GMT

So I have been trying and thinking about and planning and collecting ideas/words/thoughts for something I want to express. But I am not able to, which - to some extend - explains the silence here. My aim is to post at least once a week which I obviously didn’t manage.

I will leave that entry - I started writing it over the last weeks and tried to push it out today - sitting for a while longer, keeping it as a draft. That post that you can’t read yet - well its origin is in seeing Yasmin Alibhai-Brown perform at the Liverpool Royal Philharmonics; two weeks ago (the 16th of May that is). Alex invited me. Yasmin’s performance is autobiographical and - at least I guess - connected to her latest book that is about to be published. However, it touches on so many themes and ideas that - there is so much of a personal connection to it. Beyond that, and that was what I really wanted to write about, it connects to a story I’ve been asked to tell, but never managed to. I have told parts of it, fragments, tentative beginnings, to a variety of people - but, and that goes for most of the things I have experienced in Israel/Palestine - I just somehow lack the words and my fluency, my use of language escapes me when trying. It’s not a happy story - it is one of murder and mistreatment - but it does contain - if I ever manage to express it - at least some humour (I hope).

That is not the only reason for the long silence. Here’s a quick run through of what went on from the previous entry to this one; doing these is part of the purpose of this journal - to be able to glance over these entries and say, boy, you are alive, things happen in your life. I know that might sound incredibly saaad. It is about me living too much in the now - in a way.

So what happened than in what is more then a month now? For once, I finished my exams (which, I think, went well for one of them) handed in three essays and a poster presentation, as well as a presentation on my proposed dissertation. This accounted for a busy two weeks that I just couldn’t write or think about anything else than the tasks at hand.

After that … I lost a whole week and only begin to manage to push myself back out of that hole I vanished in. Two things happened, really, that caused this. For one - I didn’t get the job I mentioned in an earlier post. It was with a different ferry company than I thought it was and I have edited out the name. While I was invited to an interview I had the feeling that a decision had already been made either before I arrived or within moments before starting the interview. That is - it wasn’t really much of an interview, with little questions from their side. I never head anything back from them. Regardless - I don’t think I’d have enjoyed the working climate (nothing tangible I can point to) from a feeling I got just by observing the routines there, while waiting for the person I was scheduled to meet.

The other bit and what really pushed me over the edge - was that the person I had made plans to share house with next year and go house-hunting with (we pushed that back until after the exam period) has left the country already for the summer. She only told me that upon contacting her again last Thursday, explaining (which I think is genuine) that she’d simply forgotten with all else that went on in her life. However, her decision of staying on and continuing to live in the student halls means I am stranded again - and likely forced to move in with random strangers for next term once more. That didn’t work out well, obviously, these first two years here in Liverpool.

Her decision affected me so negatively, because I can point to a variety of points where I’d been (conveniently?) forgotten/ignored or passed over by people I trusted in. [Of course what is true and not, what is just my interpretation and subjective perspective - I can't tell. The point is what it does to my emotional life.] So yes, this hurt. And then I just trailed off in the too well established paths of what - partially - characterises my depression. Needing more sleep than usual and at the same time not being able to fall asleep when I want to and feel tired in the evening; yet, hours later, waking up still feeling tired, never really waking up, that slight drowsy feeling in which days become a haze and just run into one another. Not being able to act, think or keep to the hours that others do, not getting done what I know I should have and want to. And then of course - to keep my mind distracted - going back to gaming. This time it’s been Mount & Blade. I forced myself to uninstall the programme Tuesday evening and since then started with little tasks around the house that are necessary and important.

I am - since this morning - the only one living here, again. I’ve cleaned the kitchen (with Will’s assistance) and started removing all the random bits of trash spread around the house. I’ll put all the refuse bags (and those left behind in the backyard; at least twenty) out for collection tomorrow after writing this. The living room, likewise, is fairly tidy and clean now. As mentioned I still have a month to live here and want to be able to use this house during that time.

I’ve also been at FACT again, yesterday, watching Federico Fellini’s 1963 movie 8½ as part of the Artist’s Choice (a film that inspired the people behind a current exhibition with a discussion of that movie and the significance for their work afterwards) series. lt had been picked by AL and AL - sadly, however, they weren’t around for a discussion afterwards. Especially with this movie that’d have been incredibly interesting, though. lt is an incredibly personal movie that is definitely a movie asking the audience to work with the material presented: Very little interpretation is provided and its disjointed, sometimes surrealist narration just leaves a lot of space for creating very personal meaning from it. (I’d guess it’s referred to as “post-modernist” … but to me that just illustrates my notion that “post-modernism” in literature/movies/art simply is a form of experimental story telling that has been around for a good long while.) Because of that getting AL and AL’s personal interpretation(s) - and just a discussion with the audience would have been great. As it was … well everyone watched the film and left. [The audience at these artist's choice events is definitely different though - there's a certain respect and concentration on the movies presented [which is often necessary, too] that is consistently lacking elsewhere.]

I’ve also re-watched Ed TV and seen Michael Haneke’s Code inconnu: Récit incomplet de divers voyages yesterday night. Code Unknown deals with communication and miss-communication, racism (from both the “majority” and the “immigrant” side) and human relations in general. Despite loving the movie and feeling it does a lot right I find it hard to comment on it. That mostly, probably, because of its careful balance. It is a movie that - through its narrative structure - benefits from not knowing too much about it beforehand.

Haneke’s realistic approach is what drives the movie and, I think, makes his statement so much more focused than what Alejandro González Iñárritu managed in the thematically similar Babel. I agree a lot about Haneke’s statements in the accompanying interviews in terms of what makes for good storytelling (challenging the audience intellectually and accepting that a narration only becomes complete with the audience interacting with what is presented [among other points]). He also makes an interesting comment on stating that as a director he feels it is important to make his audience understand - especially with a realist movie - that (whether it is fiction or a documentary) the movie/narration presents a condensed form of reality. In Code Unknown this continuity of the characters life beyond the scenes is established through hard cuts in the middle of dialogue and actions from one scene to the next. That is, what is important for the narration is presented, while the scenes flow over into the next one afterwards.

I think this point of narratives being a more “distilled” and “intense” version of reality is what really makes me enjoy movies and literature as much as I do. I thrive for that emotional intensity, and I guess I am searching for it in my own life as well. I frequently feel detached from reality - that, again, linked to how depression works for me. I think I need a certain intensity of life to feel alive, needing meaningful experiences. Particularly know, this morning, through this haze of not really feeling present … it is some sort of distance and strange perception of the world - as if through a veil and a little hazy, less real.

That of course leads me back to Sylvia Plath and her being identified as an “intense” person - not necessarily through her writing but her diary entries (which I find so much more engaging than her poetry or short stories). I also don’t feel that an “intense” lifestyle is or has to be negative as long as it is a positive creative process. So on that end, writing about things I do and experience, reflecting on them - the purpose of this journal at part - is so important to remind myself that even in routine and everyday life I create something.

That Haneke’s realism is fairly accurate - well, I have just experienced a scene quite similar to one in his movie when taking the bus back home after watching 8½. An older man (white hair and balding) was shouting racist abuse at an Indian looking young man across the isle. I left my bag and jacket on the backseat and moved to the seat behind the Indian man (I couldn’t take a seat next to him) and in a silent moment between tirades told the one shouting that I thought it was time for him to shut up. Of course saying that won’t stop an enraged person, and him identifying me as a foreigner meant that I took the abuse for the rest of the journey isntead. I kept trying to reason with him occasionally, but naturally didn’t get through to him, being too soft-spoken and not able to really scream back at him. The ironic part of this - the man sprouting his hatred had the clearly darker coloure skin of a descendant of immigrants (if not having been an immigrant himself at some point).

I feel I should have acted different though, and here is that magic idealist realism I’d wish for, wishing to be a stronger person. Much of the anger expressed by him centred on why he should “spread his seed” if it means his children have to fight in wars elsewhere. His attack was indifferent (given the choice of an Indian-looking and me as an European person) of nationality, however, telling us to go back to where we came from and sort out our own problems. While leaving the bus shouting that he’ll follow me home and show me how building a bomb really is done and that he’ll be back. [the Indian-looking man had left earlier and I'd put my hand on his shoulder, establishing eye contact for a second; an apology and guesture of goodwill.] I wonder. I should have asked him - in that ideal world of being able to react well - if he actually lost someone. But as I said, me being me, I never even managed to get through to him in his rage. Someone hit him (and that mirrors that scene in Haneke’s movie I am referring to) when he left the bus. A reaction I don’t feel well about either.

To explain the title of this post - a cat walked past the living room windows while I was watching Code Unknown and stopped, starring at me, through the window, me looking at the television. It stayed there for quite a while.

A short list of things I need to accomplish these coming weeks:

Complete the assignments I still have to.
Find somewhere to live, someone to share with. I am completely at a loss here. [Note ... maybe not quite so, we just had an e-mail of someone joining the course for the third year looking for a house-share forwarded to us].
Start reading for my dissertation again. I am going back to the basics and looking at counselling theory (I still prefer Jung over Freud).
Find some job. I don’t know how to go about that, honestly. I don’t really care about what it is as long as the working climate is ok, however. I don’t have much faith in work bank at uni, though - begging for them to do something isn’t mine.
I still haven’t secured a work-based learning position either and don’t have any idea where to look, too. I already told the respective team and person responsible that are meant to assist us that I need help, but haven’t heard back from neither. Still, it IS, of course, my own responsibility just as finding a job after finishing this course is. The problem is - I don’t feel fit to work in the outdoor industry, don’t feel I’ve gained the skills I really need. Sadly Tom Gee’s criticism of Outdoor Education programmes (here and here) are all too true. Except that after two years I don’t have any Governing Body awards whatsoever. I simply can’t go out there and tell an employer that I am able to work for them. I did however join the Merseyside Mountaineering Club now - but haven’t made it to any of their social get together Thursday afternoon (and possibly some climbing wall practise beforehand) yet, however. For once - I still need to buy the simple equipment (harness, belay plate, carabiners etc.) required for climbing. But I also don’t want to introduce myself and start this on a low … I tend to get panicky about abseiling if I am not feeling well - that combined with how important first impressions are for many - yes, I simply don’t want to start this badly.

Oh and me made quiche [Now possible again in kitchen!]

-C.

Originally published at Confession Box. You can comment here or there.

Chomsky, Chomsky, Chomsky, Chomsky, Chomsky, Chomsky, Chomsky, Chomsky, Chomsky, MUSHROOM, MUSHROOM!

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 18:07:32 GMT

I’ve been (with the course) at the Centre for Alternative Technology last Monday. The centre is situated in a quite nice spot in mid Wales and has been founded in 1973 to promote alternative ways of living. They literally started from the ground up, discovering and re-discovering ways of how to insulate and build housing in a sustainable way, create energy etc. The centre can be accessed via a water balanced funicular (the upper cabin’s weight is increased by adding water [no not IN the cabin :p]. It then, as it travels down, pulls the lower cabin up). I liked the centre both for their exhibition and as a place of peacefulness. It was also a confrontation with how much is natural for me, but apparently needs to be taught toward the English public (and sadly even people on my course).

Things like toilets that provide facilities to only half-flush, recycling systems, composting, reducing carbon footprint by bicycling/using train, etc.. I won’t say these are givens in Germany or Sweden but it is more of a normality to simply do them, without having to think about it, then it is the case here. Particularly the notion that “cars are still the best way to get around” and that the suggested alternatives are “ridiculous” coming from some of the other course members annoy me. I’d really hoped that a course on “Outdoor and Environmental Education” would draw a more environmentally aware crowd.

They also have a bookshop and given their orientation I just couldn’t walk past it. I picked up David Edwards’ Free to be Human: Intellectual Self-Defence in an Age of Illusions, E.F. Schumacher’s small is beautiful: a study of economics as if people mattered and James Lovelock’s Gaia: The practical science of planetary medicine (which was on sale). That means I am dipping into my savings this month, again … or rather I exchanged some of the Euros I still have for pounds to allow me to go through the rest of the month.

On the way back I started reading some in Free to be Human and sadly one of the criticisms offered in one of the reviews on amazon seems to be quite descriptive:

“Too often the book proceeds by personal declaration rather than from the basis of concrete examples, facts or research. This is compounded by a rather polarised viewpoint in which the affairs of the world are seen as either good or evil, black or white.”

The introduction of the third edition I have starts out with comparing our societies and political realities with The Truman Show: A make-believe world and construct that is artificially created, where the only real person is the one born into the movie set, not knowing any other reality. From there on the first Chapter begins by summing up Chomsky and Herman’s Manufacturing Consent: The Political Economy of the Mass Media - which I read years ago while living in Sweden.

Chomsky and Herman’s book uses a relatively neutral language and highlights what, why and how this unbalanced picture of news comes into existence without commenting much outside their factual observations. In contrast Edwards employs a moralising and aggressive manner of speech that weakens his argument and doesn’t do a lot of justice to the careful language of the original argument.

What got me though are his attacks against Psychotherapy:

“Most psychotherapists (apart from isolated radicals like Erich Fromm, R.D. Laing and James Hillman) have approached this modern problem by attempting to alleviate symptoms of dis-ease on the basis of the Freudian hypothesis, suggesting that neurosis is primarily (if not always) a result of sexual repression. More recently, therapists have emphasised the need to re-live repressed childhood trauma, so relieving the symptoms of the repression that is their cause. Rarely have psychotherapists sought the cause of neurosis in the economic and political system within which we live.” (page 45)

“[C]learly any system concerned with alteration of the personality that assumes as its premise that the requirements of society define the norm of sanity into which the personality should be fitted, is little more than a system of brainwashing.” (pages 45-46)

“The irrationality of trying to make a human being sane by emphasising his or her childhood and sexual experiences while largely excluding the impact of the requirements of the economic and political system has, apparently, only recently begun to strike a minority of psychotherapists.” (page 46)

What irks me is that he criticises something without really seeming to have an experience or knowledge about current practise. That is - I feel he’s attacking some form of urban myth about what happens in psychotherapy. Freud stopped being a model quite a while ago from all I know. But also - the way he puts things to me feels like downplaying how crippling mental health distress is. If I am not able to function in a way that makes me able to engage with society - critically or not - at all, then yes, the only positive consequence is to assist in helping to move toward less anxious and more “normal” behaviour. That is not saying that the current promoted lifestyle has problems and that yes, there might be a link to mental health - but counselling/therapy can not change the political landscape to accommodate people with a mental health problem. It can work with people and assist them to be more able to have a functioning life though.

I guess the point is - I am disappointed because the aim of the book “Intellectual Self-Defence in an Age of Illusion” suggests to me an attempt to move toward something positive - how his aggressive and attacking tone will help is beyond me. The sad part is - a good number of the topics he raises are important and important to discuss, look and point at. Only that he’s standing in his own way. On the other hand, I haven’t even finished the first chapter and will at least try to give him a chance.

In one of those funny coincidences I also happened to read an article by Paul Stolz (The Power to Change Through the Change to Power: Narrative Therapy, Power and the Wilderness enhanced Model, published in the Australian Journal of Outdoor Education, Volume Four, 2000) on the way to the centre. Stolz uses The Truman Show (!) as an example for “power and knowledge that serves to construct the reality in which one lives”. That is, he is pointing to exactly the problem that Edwards attacks (see above). However, Stolz, as a therapist, approaches a constructive not destructive perspective as a base of Narrative Therapy:

“As a therapist my discourses will be often completely different to those of the adolescent. My values and beliefs about family, gender, race, education, drug use etc. are coloured by the discourses that I have engaged in and have acted on me over a long period of time. […] In understanding this within myself it opens up the possibility of acknowledging multiple realities, multiple perceptions and multiple constructions which opens the space for new and different possibilities.”

I’ve had my last counselling session this Friday. As said earlier and elsewhere things are good. My “CORE” score dropped massively since last October and while I am not at the level of what is considered “normal” I am not far off, either. Met next year’s house-mate B. whom I’ll be hunting for houses with as soon as possible (Ehlo!). We’d still need a third one to catch somewhat cheaper house prices (and have more choice as to where to live) but let’s see. Also taken some pictures at CAT … some behind the cutoff below. Finished the registration forms for Headspace. Next thing to manage: 5 exams and a seminar in a row (and then another exam a bit further down the road). Oh and … if “Cellar Door” is the most beautiful word in English then “Mushroom” must be in the top ten.

-C.

I just love the Welsh word for Microwave! I still hope to pick up another language sometime … Esperanto, at least on the basic level, still seems a fair bet.

My attempt at doing a Kinga Freespirit (one of my idols) like self-portrait from memory. It’s nowhere close, but hey, features the green water bottle I always carry (it’s the third one, actually, the rest having been lost somewhere)!

A public phone booth at CAT.

One of the exhibitions at the centre. This one explaining issues around public transport (on signs along the path).

Random motive saying winter is over (#234123450123).

Originally published at Confession Box. You can comment here or there.

Fly!

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 00:10:38 GMT

There was a bumble bee on our doorstep today, when I left the house. It was obviously in a somewhat weakend state and barely moving. I carried it over to a nearby flower on a piece of trash (there’s always some about), where it shuffled it’s feet a little and fed.

Now the interesting thing - I didn’t know they were able to turn their legs upward quite a way. That happened when I stroked its back with my finger [They, as most animals, tolerate that if one is just careful and gentle enough. Their “hair” does feel like hair]. Both front legs went up bracing against my finger - sort of like .. /o that (.. = other legs going down, / = leg going up, o = head).

It flew off eventually - after cleaning itself - vanishing over the roofs of the houses that line this street.

What is it with dog owners always misinterpreting what I do when I approach their dog, by the way? I usually start communicating with them (dogs, not owners) early - there’s eye contact for once - and I extend my hand/arm towards them, slightly, which gives them a chance to take up scent - an important sensual impression for them after all. It’s like saying ‘hello’ or shaking someone’s hand. Most dog owners interpret that as me trying to keep dog at distance/being afraid of it. “It’s friendly really! It likes human’s, just not other dogs.” I know that already. Dogs can read our faces - we can read theirs too … if one pays attention.

I’ve meant to put some links of “noteworthy” things I came across in here, since days, and say something about each - but I didn’t manage. So - quite simply, without much comments:

Afuganisu-tan (click next) — Japanese Manga about Afghanistan that isn’t only adorable but also manages to be quite educational - plus the story behind its publication (as seen on wikipedia) is quite interesting, too.

An American pensioner is building stonehenge. Without using modern machinery. Meanwhile the first excavation in 40 years is underway at the real Stonehenge.

Tutara’s (one of the oldest reptile species alive) are “evolving” (as in showing more DNA changes) faster than most mammals … but refuse to change.

A number of inventions are “unleashed” in Africa (Pull Cord Power-Generator, A Merry-Go Round Water Pump and Hippo Rollers to transport water) all of which illustrate that doing good isn’t a simple case of “black and white” morality (see respective comments on TreeHugger.com).

Finally - the name for the mental health group at uni has been decided, preliminary. So our mission statement looks like this:

“Headspace is a safe place for any student who has personal experience of emotional distress. We offer a friendly and welcoming place - to be yourself and become part of a social, open, confidential, equal and non-judgmental group. As the group itself decides on activities our weekly meetings are what you make them. So whether you just want to drink tea (or coffee) and have a chat, watch a movie or participate in (almost) any other activity you can think of - come along. You can also join our Facebook group online to ease you in.

Despite the focus on well being and group activities we also aim to provide opportunities for Raising Awareness and education, lobbying and positive campaigning - both within the university and toward the general public and health services.”

[I quite liked “Fun-Da-Mental” and “Positively Mental” - but as the group specifically also welcomes those with neurologic conditions we avoided the word “Mental” in the end.]

-C.

Originally published at Confession Box. You can comment here or there.

Brothers of the Head

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 01:49:43 GMT

!

(I love FilmFour for funding - and giving an audience to movies like these.)

Writing down the bones

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 11:07:00 GMT

Eigentlich bin ich ganz anders, nur komme ich so selten dazu.
-Ödön von Horváth

Ich freue mich wenn es regnet, denn wenn ich mich nicht freue, regnet es auch!
-Karl Valentin

I am trying to close a chapter in my life. Or rather move on again. But I'll start a while back, giving a glance of what happened from the last entry above to where I am. The medication I was on didn't work.

Not happy times. I am on something different now and this time it does seem to work - since a while too. That doesn't mean I am suddenly a different person, and this doesn't mean there aren't days I struggle, but I am somewhere.

I learnt to ski. I've done a basic winter mountaineering session. I built an igloo.

I visited my parents for the first time in over a year.

I think I've found something I actually want to do. My dissertation will be on adventure therapy - and, if all goes well - might find work in that area, too. I hope to work - occasionally - and on the side (see their long-haul expeditions) - for world-challenge - so getting my Mountain Leader Assessment is a long term goal.

I plan to stay in Liverpool for at least another three years - finishing this course then going on to do my MA in Writing - which, too, has of course a link to therapy.

I am to do pioneering work - chairing a "Mental Health" "well being" society at uni - the first of a kind at an English Univesity. This is - besides trying to de-isolate those with mental health problems - also likely to turn into a lobbying and political institution. The aim is to raise awareness, increase understanding and change behaviour on the side of staff members, as well.

I am likely to participate in creating an audio installation in connection with FACT.

I will - finally - get my own webpage and say goodbye to livejournal (I got a wonderful promotional offer from a webhost that I can't say no to, really), switching to wordpress. For three reasons - not being subject to the whims of a company (SUP/Livejournal, Inc.); having the chance to store my photos and blog on one server (and one I have control over); and, finally, to mark another transition in my life by starting another (and hopefully the final one) blog.

All in all - not much will change for those reading this - there's a wordpress plugin that allows cross-posting to livejournal which I will implement.

The only question remaining ... what domain name to choose --- www.are-you-human.net or www.confession-box.org? I am sort of leaning to the latter as I always wanted that domain name (and it works for a blog, too - on the other hand ...)

Love,
-C.

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 23:16:26 GMT

I am on double the dosis I was before now ... which is the maximum that's healthy. some of the side effects are flaring up more noticeably again, but that should go past soonish. I am doing better again, don't feel overly urgey in terms of cutting, just a tiny bit on the sad side.

The good thing about calling the crisis team that wednesday night was that they couldn't find me in their system ... i.e. something has gone real wrong with the counselling referal, and I could have waited for ages not knowing things didn't work, somewhere. GP is trying to get that chased up and going again. I do think they where somewhat miffled for me calling over something as trivial as a panic attack.

I've had a chat with the neighbours to the right. Fiftyish man taking care of his parents that have been living in that house since 1930 ... I was in the backyard climbing around the outside of the house, standing on some windowsill, so I could look over in their backyard, and likewise, they could spot me. They seem nice, and ok.

Also the fire brigade was around wanting to do savety demonstrations and install new battery driven smoke detectors (for free). There is a more advanced smoke detector system installed here, already, though. I think of the three coming in the two that were actually supposed to install smoke detectors where really disappointed they didn't get a chance to use their power tools.

Burning at the stake

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 11:24:31 GMT

I've joined an online self-help group for people that self-injure a couple days back. My GP dug that one up. [No not on LJ N./V. :)]. See their webpage, and particularly the information booklet/research project for some info.

I'll try to find the strength to at least call the GP, today, and inform about last few days, to keep her up to date.

Also ... I might sign up to work as a relief worker for some of the organisations dealing with people requiring assistence here ... I do after all have worked with drug addicts/alcoholists in the past. Have application forms downstairs. And a contact form for Liverpool volunteering. And will be - finally - able to talk to the volunteer team at liverpool uni, too, sometime next week.

-C.

educated guess

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 22:23:37 GMT

I am doing worse these past few days. I don't know why. Might be that I am just losing momentum because there are less things I have to do ... I've done most of the "big" and "immediate" stuff that had piled up. Or, as the mental health worker at uni suggested, I might plateau out on the med ... which would mean the dosis needs to be increased ... which I am sort of concerned about, if true, as it is the type of cycle I so much hoped to avoid.

I still love the house though. There's one spot in my room where water drips in when it rains. I'll have to mention to the landlord tomorrow. Also ... before going to bed (I am up again to write this "borrowing" some neighbours wireless connection [I hope I am excused]) ... I returned some glasses to the kitchen. I have the habbit to walk around in the darkness once I know the layout of wherever I am staying. Just in front of the kitchen floor my left foot touched something wet and slimey. I retracted it and did turn on the light. I don't know where it came from, but a lone snail was exploring the carpet there. A beautiful one, too, yellow with brownish stripes. I picked it up with a spoon and let it slide off in the backyard.

As I said ... I love this house to pieces.

Join the Computer Queue at Pharaos Station.

Thu, 30 Aug 2007 14:44:42 GMT

Similar as last time (as I still don't have internet at home) a quick summary.

I am working with the mental health worker at university now (-C. waves in case she does read this).

My new landlords are pretty much the bestest I ever had. They moved me (well most of my stuff at least), don't ask for a deposit and let me live in the house until the start of September for free. Also put in a new carpet into my room on very short notice (2 days). The house is a bit rundown, but great for that. Have a fireplace (non-working) in my room, filled with fir cones to imitate an actual fire. Most of the furniture is in brown tones except for a turquise&pink nightstand that utterly dominates the room :). Photos coming up sometime.

This was my 11th (well 12th but there is one I don't have any conscious memories of) move.

I've cleaned one of my old rooms, taking a break now, then will clean the other.

I worked as a steward during the fireworks celebrating Liverpools 800th birthday. Which basically meant that me and my co-steward (who moved here from Leeds, while not really being sure why [saying she was in some sort of minor crisis]) stood around a lot looking at people, or (trying) to walk straight lines along the road markings; jump along them on one foot; walk circles around each other while she was singing 'Lala' melodies in her somewhat deep, raspy voice; etc. Crowd control at it's finest. [They seriously overestimated the amount of crowd there would be, I guess, given they originally had requested 80 stewards but only got 23 ... which were still too many]). The fireworks (from both cathedrals and the riverfront, lasting for about 20 minutes) were nice though.